The most important blog post I'll ever write

Over the last few days I have thought a lot about John Isaac's little heart. It is amazing how a person can live with a heart defect and show little to no sign that the heart is not functioning properly.  People who meet me and see John Isaac are completely unaware that there is any problem. And unless you know what to look for it's easy to miss it.  In a few short weeks we will place him in the hands of a surgeon and (God willing) that surgeon will fix John Isaac's heart.  We have been told that it should take one surgery and that is it but we have also been told that while his heart will function well enough to enable him to have a full, active life it will never function the way a healthy heart with no defect would.  You see, even after his heart is fixed it will still be broken.  There are a lot of risks with this surgery, but without it he definitely will not live.

As I think about all of these realities it occurred to me that we all are like John Issac.  We are all born with a heart defect.  Our defect isn't a physical one but a spiritual one, and while our hearts may function properly to physically keep us alive, we are spiritually dead (Eph, 2:1, Col 2:13). When we come into this world our hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9) and we do not seek God (Romans 3:11).  Our hearts are broken and we need a physician to fix it.  It is not something that will repair itself, or that we can fix on our own.  Jesus is the great physician, He says that He came to heal the broken hearted (Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:18). But the amazing thing is that when He heals our hearts. He says that He doesn't just fix the heart that we have but rather he gives us an entirely new heart (Ezekial 11:19, 36:26).

At the end of the day John Isaac's physician can fix his heart but he can't heal it. That is only something the Great Physician, Jesus Christ, can do. It is a miracle I experienced almost 20 years ago. I can not explain how it happens I just know that it does. If He can do it for me, then I know He can do it for you too.

2 months old already!!

9 weeks old already. I can hardly believe it's been over two months. For the most part it's been life as usual, just the normal stuff that comes with having a new baby in the house. The only major difference has been the slow weight gain. I'm used to chunky babies but getting weight on this little guy has been very difficult. We are finally seeing gains with the coconut oil. He's up to 8lbs 5 1/2oz. Whoop!! He is starting to smile a little bit, but not consistently. He has a little dimple on his face by his mouth that is so cute. His therapy sessions are going great. He is trying to roll over and is holding his head up better every day. This child is going to be so spoiled by the love and attention he gets from his siblings. We all adore him.

We head back to the cardiologist next Tuesday so prayers that the doctor will have wisdom about when his surgery should happen would be appreciated. And also pray for peace for me and Michael. When we are just living life every day with him it is easy to forget that he is sick because he shows very little sign that his heart isn't functioning properly (which is a great thing). But when we go to the cardiologist it is a reminder that there is a big problem, that he is sick, and that he is in congestive heart failure. Those days are very hard and emotional.  Last week when I met with the nutritionist she took me on a tour of the ICU where he will be after his surgery. As I walked around the area I was greeted by kind, smiling faces of the nurses 
caring for the babies but as I left it occurred to me that they were smiling at me and fawning over John because they new that he would be there soon. That was a hard reality to deal with. I'm trying to look at pictures of other children who have been through this surgery to prepare myself for a the machines and tubes but I wonder if you can ever really prepare. Besides, it's different when it's your own child and your seeing it in person. 

It is my hope that we can hold off on surgery until the other children are done with school and I have been able to celebrate Bella and Victoria's birthdays in which are May 10th and May 11th. We are also hoping to surprise the kids and take them on a long weekend to one of the Phoenix Condos in Orange Beach. I hate to say that my children have only been to the sandy white beaches of Gulf Shores once and that was right after my dad's death. We really would love to do this before surgery since it will be difficult to do it after. So if the doctor says we can put off the surgery until mid-May then we can do these things with the older children.  Of course, nothing is more important than John Isaac's health so that takes precidence and if the doctor feels it is best to go ahead with the surgery then of course we will do that.  

Thank you for your prayers. We couldn't do this without all of your love and support. 

My Baby Has A Broken Heart

Atrioventricular septal defect, or AVSD, is the most common congenital heart defect in children born with Down Syndrome.  It is hard enough wrapping your head, and heart, around the fact that your child has been born with a chromosomal abnormality. But it can be a punch in the gut to think about the fact that your new little baby has a heart condition that will require open heart surgery.

AVSD is also known as complete AV defect. It is where the septal wall between the atrium and the ventrical sides of the heart both have holes in them. This causes the un-oxygenated and oxygenated blood to mix sending the blood back to the lungs more often for more oxygen. This puts a lot of stress on the heart and lungs causing congestive heart failure to begin around one month. The other problem is that rather than having two separate valves, the mitral and tricuspid values, there is just one large valve. Both of these problems will have to be fixed, without the fix our baby will not live.

When we got the diagnosis I had so many questions but the biggest question I had was, "Will my baby die?"  I think that would be a question that any parent would ask if they found out there was a problem with their baby's heart.  The great thing about this being a common heart defect is that the surgery is performed often and it has a 97% success rate that the surgery will correct the problem.  For MOST children it is one surgery and then they are capable of having a life like any other child.  His heart will never REALLY function the way a healthy heart will and he will have to see a cardiologist every year for the rest of his life, but he will be able to play sports if he wants to play.

We have no idea when the surgery will take place but we do know it typically happens by the time the  baby is 6 months old.  So right now our job is to keep him healthy and do everything we can to get him to gain some weight.  Of course I am praying that God will heal his heart, that we will go to his cardiology appointment and the doctor will tell us that a miracle has occurred and his heart will not require surgery.  And call me crazy but I truly believe that God can do it, He could heal him and use the miraculous healing to show people His power.  But, I am also very aware that God may choose not to heal him.  But I do know one thing, God WILL use John Isaac, and the rest of our family, to show the world His goodness, faithfulness, and love.  God is good even when a child is born with an extra chromosome or a heart defect.  God is faithful even when He doesn't choose to show His power by a miraculous healing. And God is loving even when He doesn't answer our prayers the way we want him to.

As I sat in the NICU watching my sweet baby boy lying in an incubator I was praying and asking God to please tell me if our baby would be ok.  I read something that had a scripture with it.  The scripture was Psalm 118:17 and it says, "I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done."  I was so encouraged and truly believe that this little boy will live to proclaim the word of the Lord to the nations.  And I can't wait to see what God is going to do through this little boy and the rest of our family.

John Isaac-God's Gracious Gift of Laughter

"Your child has some markers of a genetic abnormality. They are going to send off a test in the morning but it looks like it might be Down Syndrome."

"What? Really? Ok..." is all I could say.

The neonatologist had wheeled our new baby boy out of the delivery room a short time before because he was struggling to keep his O2 saturation up. They wanted to put him in an incubator and get him stabilized. Once I was cleared to leave delivery and be out in a recovery room they would take me to see him before heading to my room.

As they wheeled me into his room in the NICU I was numb, or maybe I was just in survival mode. This was not what we anticipated and even still all of that is a complete blur. The next thing I really remember with clarity is sitting in room 6019 and thinking about how completely unnatural this all felt. I felt empty, as if I had lost my baby. Michael was with me but I felt so alone. I should be nursing. I should be staring from my bed at my newborn son. I should be listening to his squeaks and grunts. But instead he was two floors down being cared for by strangers.

Thirty-two weeks prior to that night we had found out that we were going to have another baby. It was just 2 weeks after the sudden death of my father. We were shocked at the news but it seemed that God had known the perfect time to bring new life into our family. We immediately knew his name would be John, after my dad. And Isaac seemed fitting because it means laughter, and that's exactly what I did when I found out I was pregnant again. His name was decided within the first 24 hours of finding out we were pregnant. If it was a boy his name would be John Isaac-God's gracious gift of laughter. No girls name was ever even discussed.

My pregnancy was textbook except my morning sickness was worse than any other pregnancy, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week until I was 16 weeks pregnant. Other than that it was completely normal. I went for my ultrasound at 18 weeks and we found out it was in fact a boy. The sonographer did all of her anatomy scans and told us that everything looked wonderful. She just kept saying over and over "beautiful, he's just beautiful." No indication that anything was wrong.

We opted not to have a 3d or 4d ultrasound since insurance doesn't cover it and I wasn't overly impressed when I had one with Victoria. We also opted not to have the genetic testing because I wouldn't have made any difference. I have gone back and forth about that decision but honestly I feel like it was best for me. I would have spent the rest of my pregnancy worrying and researching, and I probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy my pregnancy like I did.

The rest of the pregnancy was great. No issues at all. I just enjoyed feeling life growing inside of
me and was really looking forward to meeting our new little man. On January 31st I had contractions
on and off all day. We really thought that John Isaac was going to grace us with his presence in January. But then the contractions spaced out and February 1st came. There were no real contractions
until about 3pm. Then all of a sudden they were strong and getting close together. Michael came home and after a quick call to the hospital we were off. When we got there I was 4 centimeters and in active labor. That was it, we were getting ready to meet our son.

Labor and delivery went exactly the way I wanted it go and before we knew it John Isaac was being put on my chest. Within a few minutes things began to change.  They took him from me because he wasn't getting pink, but everyone kept reassuring me that everything was ok. They started giving him oxygen but after a while they decided that they needed to take him to the NICU to get him stabilized. As they took him out of the room I was confident that everything would be ok. I wasn't worried about him at all, just resolved that they were doing what needed to be done to make sure he was ok. After a little while the OB that delivered John Isaac walked back in and sat down next to the bed.

"Your son has some markers of genetic abnormalities. They are going to be testing him in the morning. In the meantime, he is going to need to stay in the NICU so they can watch him."

Wait...what? After a completely normal pregnancy and a textbook labor and delivery I was not expecting all that would happen over the next few days. 

I ran through all the emotions that night. Fear, anger, sadness, guilt...and then all over again. The emotions overshadowed the joy and excitement of the arrival of our sweet John Isaac. I just wanted to hold and nurse me sweet baby boy. But after running through all the emotions more than once I settled on PEACE. "Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

The peace that surpasses all understanding. It is a peace that can not be explained. A peace that can only come from God.  I wish I could say that I haven't struggled, but I have. I have no idea what the future holds but I can have peace because I know the one who holds the future. It was not my plan to have a son with Down Syndrome, but God knew and He has a plan. His ways are nor our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. And God is no less God today than he was three weeks ago when we thought John Isaac would be born completely healthy.

Psalm 139 says "

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them."

God doesn't make mistakes. John Isaac was created by God and for God to bring glory to God. He has a plan and a purpose for John Isaac  just like he does everyone else.  I feel blessed to be a part of this little boys life and I look forward to watching what God has in store for him.  Our sweet John Isaac- God's Gracious Gift of Laughter.

Wait for the Lord

     Waiting…it is something that we do everyday.  We wait for water to boil, for red lights, for our children to wake up, or to go to bed, and if you live where I live you wait for trains (oh the trains…well, that is a whole different blog).  Those are the little things, but we also wait for BIG stuff too.  We wait for test results, a letter in the mail, to find out that we're going to have a baby and for the baby to FINALLY arrive.  We wait ALL the time, every day.  You would think that with all the waiting that we do in our life that we would do it better.  You know the saying "practice makes perfect", well we do this all the time so we should be great at it.  Unfortunately though, most of us are not.  Because although we may "wait" I wonder if we are practicing waiting patiently.  There always seems to be something that we are waiting for that pushes us to a limit of frustration and anxiety.
    Waiting tests our patience.  Patience is the character trait that God is trying to work in us all the time.  If we are going to be good at waiting we must practice patience in the waiting.  It's like a muscle and it must be exercised every day in order to get stronger.  I am convinced that if we will see God in the waiting that we will see Him working to grow us in our patience and in our trust of Him and His timing.  I think that waiting can refine us almost as much as suffering can.  If you are waiting for something and you are feeling anything but peace I encourage you to cast your eyes UP.  Look to the Lord and see what HE is doing.  Focus on Him, learn about Him, worship Him.  Flex those spiritual muscles and be encouraged that if you exercise them they WILL get stronger.  And since this is something we will do every day of our lives until we meet Jesus face to face getting better at will make our lives more peace-filled.

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

It Could Have Been Me!

In light of the recent tragedy of the death of a little one that was left in a car, I thought I would share a recent story that happened to me.  Although I have never "forgotten" a child in the car, I did have something happen a couple of weeks ago that scared me to death.

We had been out shopping and I had come in the house with all of the children to put away groceries.  After about 10-15 minutes the groceries were put away and I threw a load of laundry in and began thinking about lunch.  I had a brief thought about where Victoria might be playing.  You know the thought "she's been quiet for a while".  I assumed she must be upstairs playing".  A few minutes later there was a brief recollection of hearing the front door open and close several minutes earlier.  I began to count heads and ask if Victoria was upstairs.  She was not.  I panicked!  I ran outside and sure enough there she was in the van, with the door closed, playing with a toy we had left in there when we got home.  I opened the door and she was dripping with sweat.  She was still smiling but obviously very hot.  It scared me to death.  What if I had not had that recollection of the door?  What if I had just assumed she was playing upstairs while I made lunch?  What if?  Oh my goodness.  The thought sickens me.  I could have been "that" woman who leaves her child in a car only to find her unresponsive.

My lesson to add to the others that people have mentioned.  If you have young children lock your doors after you get out of the car so that they can not get back in it to play.

Also, please let us be careful not to judge this poor woman who is suffering enough with her own self-imposed guilt.  She has woken up this morning of the reality of the horror of what has happened.  She will have to live with that horror every day for the rest of her life.  We have no idea what kind of mom she is but I know it could have been me on the news.  You don't have to be a bad mom for something tragic to happen to your child.

First Full Year in Review

We just finished our first FULL year of homeschooling.  I am currently working on grades right now so we are all very excited that we are officially on summer break.  I thought I would share some pictures and also just a few of my thoughts on homeschooling now that I have done it long enough to have some "likes" and "dislikes".

 On the first day of school I put together little baskets with all of their school supplies in them.  They woke that morning, got ready for school, and then Michael took them to breakfast.  When they "arrived" at school their baskets were out and we spent the morning going over some classroom rules and doing some fun activities.  One thing I will change fore next year is the organization of their supplies and I will buy ALOT more of them.  We go through pencils like crazy.

Our Classrom

The kids baskets

 Many days they will sit together and do their work.  

"Stop copying me!"  (Oh yes, they bicker...they are still siblings.) 

And sometimes they get so goofy...

 That they get split up.  

Luna takes her school very seriously so she needs quiet most days.

And Bear is such a goofball that he needs quiet most days too.

Homeschooling is one the hardest and most rewarding things I have ever done.  It took me a while to get on board (10 years to be exact).  I was petrified at the thought for years because I really believed that I couldn't do it.  We have some really hard days and some great days.  Most days I am exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.  But at the end of the day it is worth every minute.  We are learning so much about each other and about ourselves. 

It is not all work around here though.  We have so much time to have fun.  Because the class is so small and they have very individual attention it does not take us near the amount of time to get all of our work done so we have more time to play and explore.  

We have had many opportunities to go on field trips.  We went to American Village at Thanksgiving and Christmas for their historical programs.  They are wonderful and very entertaining.  We go the park and on nature walks at least once a week.  And we even had the opportunity to go to Belize on a mission trip this year with Luna and Bear.  

American Village

 Oak Mountain for nature walks

Belize

The children also had time to pursue many of their own interests in their free time.  Luna learned how to make polymer clay figures and sold them at Christmas time to her friends to raise money for her mission trip to Belize.  

She also made cakes and cupcakes for her Aunt Mimi and Tots birthday parties.

Bella learned how to make Polymer Clay figures

Aunt Mimi's beach theme cupcakes 

Tot's Cinderella Princess Birthday Party Theme



Tot's discovered her love for cooking like the rest of them and loves to help me make pancakes for breakfast.  

 We love being together (most days).  It is a joy to be able to watch my children grow up.  I love being able to have so many opportunities to teach them about life and God, as well as teach them their academics.  

Secret Church Take Away

So, we just finished Secret Church and one of the things that really hit me was, a couple of years ago a very renowned and well known atheist, Penn, from Penn and Teller, made this statement.  “If you truly believe as a Christian that what the Bible says is real and true, and you believe in a place called Hell, then how much do you have to hate someone not to tell them how to avoid that place.”  (see YouTube video for full testimony by Penn)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhG-tkQ_Q2w

David repeated that again tonight.  He repeated, “How much do you have to hate your neighbor, your co-worker not to tell.”  You know, this is not just an emotional feeling.  And it's not just following a religion.  I hate "religion", it is legalistic and dangerous.  What I am talking about is a relationship, not based on some man-made creation, but based on the Word of God.  Some people will call me simple minded, or ignorant, or narrow-minded, or unintelligent, and I am ok with all of those labels because I know different.  I have walked with the Lord for 15 years.  The person I was for the first 26 years of my life, while there are most certainly remnants of that old person, I am VERY different now.  And that is nothing short of a miracle.  I did not "will" myself out of depression, jealousy, insecurity, hatred, anger, bitterness, and fear.  I was delivered from it.  I have read the Scriptures, I have tested His Word, and I have found it to be true.  I have dug, and I have wrestled.  This not some simple minded, unintelligent decision that was made, it was fought after.  If this is not real, then what's the point.  If Jesus did not live on this earth, come in the form of a baby, live the perfect life, die a brutal death, hang on a cross, die for all the sins that I have commited, stay dead in tomb for 3 days, and then rise again IN BODY, witnessed by 500 people over a period of 40 days, and then ascend into Heaven to sit down at the right hand of God interceding on my behalf, if that is not true, then my life is a joke.  

Now, I can argue some points, and my knowledge of Scripture has grown considerably in the past 15 years, but the evidence of this truth is not the fact that I can quote Scripture, the evidence of the truth is that I am not the same.  I have been made new, and am continually being made new.  Have I attained perfection?  Not even close.  Will I ever attain perfection?  Not this side of Heaven.  But I will go to the grave believing that the Bible is Truth.  So, how much do I have to hate someone not to tell if I really believe all of this?  I have to tell, and possibly suffer the persecution for that.  And I have to be ok with that.  I am ok with that.  Do I want to be persecuted? Do I want to be hated and ridiculed and talked about and lied about and possibly sought after ?  Do I want that for my children?  No, not in my flesh.  My flesh wants to live comfortable and sit in my living room and watch movies and hang out with my family and be around people who believe the same way as I do.  To have my husband bring home money so we can have great stuff.  BUT, but my spirit wants something different.  We have been called to something greater and the call is to go and tell.  

If I am wrong, and there is no hell, and everyone will go to Heaven regardless, or if I am wrong and there is nothing after death, then I have nothing to lose.  I lived a good life, I did good.  But, if I am right, and I don't tell, then you lose.  The people whom I don’t tell, lose.  And I can’t live with that.  

So forgive me, but I will not be silent.  Or, don’t forgive me.  I don’t guess it really matters if you forgive me or not because I believe with all of of my heart that I am forgiven by the only one who really matters, and that is God Himself.  And I realize that there will be people who will read this blog and they WILL NOT agree with me, and that’s ok.  I am ok with that.  I ask you to talk to me, email me, post a message, Facebook me...I may not have the answers and if I don’t I will try my best to find them, and if there is no human answer then I will let you know.  God has revealed Himself to us in many ways through His word, but there are some things that He does not explain and those are mysteries, things that we could not possibly understand even if He tried to explain them to us.  So, I am not ashamed of the gospel.  I will not be silent.

I ask you to pray for me, my husband, and our children as we seek God’s will for our family.I ask that you help us figure out where we need to be.  Where we need to be in this country.  Where we should go if we are to leave this country?  How we can be a part of declaring to the nations the Gospel and what does God want us to do?  Does God want us to adopt?  Does God want us to go to another country?  Does God want us to stay and minister here.  Lord, you have the answers?  Help us find them.  

Let's Get Dangerous

Today as the children and I were doing our Art History study on Fra Angelico, an Italian artist, we read the following. I thought it went along great with what we have been reading and discussing over the past few months, so I thought I would share it with all of you.

"Have you considered My servant Job, that there is non like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?"  Job 1:8  

"There is much more to being a Christian than simply being a Christian, just like there is more to being in God's will.  God has several "wills".  One of these wills is where fallen, unredeemed people are.  It is God's will that man/woman have freedom of choice.  When people chose to live apart from God, this is the will that is void of God and out of His will.  Then, there is being in His permissive will which means that, even though one may be a Christian, he does not show much love for God as evidence by his lifestyle.  He has established other priorities and has not offered up his body as "a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God."  Finally, there is the third category, God's most pleasing and perfect will.  This is a much smaller group of Christians, ones who seek God with all their heart, striving to walk in His holiness and righteousness, presenting their bodies as living sacrifices."

As a I read this I wondered were I fell.  There are areas of my life that I KNOW I am in God's permissive will.  I don't want to endure what I know Christ wants me to endure because, quite frankly, I don't want to endure the difficulties and hardships it may bring.  I want to avoid the mess.  I desire to surrender these areas but fear, doubt, or just plain selfishness keeps me from doing that.  I KNOW that I am His child, I KNOW that He loves me, but I also know He wants me to trust Him more and step out into His will even more, even if it means it is hard, messy, scary, and even dangerous.  Please pray for me as this battle wages war inside of me.  Pray I will step out of God's permissive will and into God's perfect will.  Pray I will be brave and dangerous for the gospel of Christ.

So, I ask you…where are you?  Are you a Christian living in God's permissive will?  Not willing to give up your luxuries and desires out of fear, doubt, or selfishness?  Are you comfortable there or do you desire more?  Do you "fear God" or do your fear the economy, the opinions of others, failure, emotional or physical pain, or even death?  Do you "shun evil" or do you participate in things our culture says are ok but are not "holy and blameless" in God's eyes?  The Christian life was never meant to be safe, we were never meant to look at the cares of this world and let that drive us in our pursuits.  We were meant to live trusting God and we were meant to live dangerously.  Christ lived dangerously, His disciples did, people throughout history have, and people now still do, and that is why the gospel will continue to advance until Jesus' return.  

Let's get dangerous! (And by dangerous, I do not mean careless) ; )

Trust God? Really?

Trusting God.  Why is it so hard to trust Him?  Can I just be honest here?  Could it be that we do not trust God because we do not REALLY know Him?  Trust is built through spending time with one another, watching how that person reacts to your faults and failures and them doing the same with you.  

When I first got married 13 years ago I trusted my husband enough to say “I do” but as we began to live together it became more and more apparent how much i really didn’t trust him.  It was not because he had ever done anything to make me not trust him, he hadn’t had enough time to do that, it was just that I didn’t really know him well enough to know if I could trust him.  I based a lot of my ability to trust him on my past ability to trust others and while that was completely unfair to him, it was completely natural.  

Now, fast forward 13 years...I trust my husband more than I have ever trusted anyone on earth.  But, why is that?  It is because I have spent so much time getting to know him.  And through all of the ups and downs he has shown me that he can be trusted.  He isn’t perfect, but when he messes up he has always had the humility to come to me apologize and then genuinely strive to do better.  

I don’t really believe trusting God is much different.  If we spend time with Him in His Word and in prayer, we can get to know Him, and as we get to know Him more, we trust Him more.  There are depths and facets of God that I will never know this side of Heaven.  There are things about Him that my mind can not even begin to comprehend.  But, He has revealed SO much about Himself in His creation and in His Word that we can most certainly know Him well enough to trust Him.  

So, I go back to my original thought.  Could it be that we do not trust Him because we really do not know Him?  What is the area that you struggle with trusting God?  Your job?  Your health?  Your children?  Your marriage?  Your finances? Or maybe it is even that you do not trust that there is even really a God in the first place.  Or if there is a God, do you lack trust is knowing that He truly cares about you?  I would encourage you, whatever the area you lack trust in God, pursue Him in that area.  He has promised in His Word, “Seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:13.  

I don’t write this because I have somehow reached this level of perfect trust in God.  I struggle with trusting Him all of the time.  I just want you to know that if you struggle too, you are not alone.  But what I am learning is this:  the more I know Him, the more I will trust Him.

My Heart Aches

My hearts aches today.  Actually, my heart aches almost every day. Some days are worse than others, and that day would be today.  My heart aches for people in our country, and around the world, who do not know TRUE freedom.  Not the freedom that comes with a war that is waged or won, or the passing of a law, or the election of a new leader, but the freedom that settles on your heart when you realize that the God of the universe loves you passionately, persues you relentlessly, and set you free from the curse of sin and death.  My heart aches for the people around me who are fighting for their lives or who are fervently fighting through prayer for the life of someone they love.  My heart aches for my children whom I pray everyday will not just be believers in Jesus but follow Him with all of their hearts, no matter where that may take them.  My heart aches for children, and even adults, who do not know the true love of earthly parents and therefore cannot even begin to fathom the love of God.  My hearts aches over bad decisions that I have made in the past, but also as recent as today, that carry with them consequences that break my heart.  My heart aches for missed opportunites because we are sqandering our time and money on temporal things that have no eternal value.  My heart aches, and aches, and aches. 

AND THEN, my heart is comforted.  Comforted by the truth of God's Word. 

Psalm 9:9 - The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 18:2 - The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 22:24 - For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him, but has listened to his cry for help.

Psalm 27:14 - Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 37:24 - Though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 46:1-3 - God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth will give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 138:7 - Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.

Nahum 1:7 - The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in him

Psalm 55:22 - Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

John 16:33 - "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all  you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

2 Corinthians 1:5 - For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

Lamentations 3:31-33 - For men are not cast off by the Lord for ever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

I pray if your heart aches today that it is comforted by these truth's also.  

Learning New Things

I can hardly believe that we have been homeschooling for 8 weeks as of tomorrow.  We are just completing our study of North America and are heading to South America on Monday.  We have studied an overview of the world and learned about the colonization of the United States, Mexico, and Canada.  The kids have learned to locate all of the countries in North America on a map by playing geography games.  We have studied the Aztecs, the Mayas, the Inuits, and our founding fathers.  We have learned about biomes, ecosystems, food chains, food webs, deserts, and forests.  And so much more,  that's just all I can remember right now.

We have learned about all the different major world religions and how they differ from Christianity.  They have also learned about and prayed for different people groups and missionaries from all over North America.  We have read stories about George Muller, Cameron Townsend, William and Catherine Booth, Harriet Tubman, and Dwight L Moody.  They have learned about character traits that these people had such as creativity, boldness, discipline, repentance, boldness, compassion, joy, and perseverance.  It has been such a joy to spend every morning in the Word with my children.

And on top of that, Aria is reading!   This is so crazy to me because I was so stressed about being able to teach her to read that I considered sending her back to school through the first grade because I really didn't think I could do it.  She is also doing simple math, and can locate Greenland, Canada, the United States, and Mexico on a map.

Micah's spelling has improved a ton and he is reading a lot more.  We have discovered his love for comic books so we are at the library every 3-5 days getting new books for him to read.  He is also doing multiplication and loving it.  He is still struggling to focus but because I can put him in a quiet room when he is working he can focus so much better.  He is learning that some people can do their work in a noisier environment and some people can't.  He is someone who can't and the fact that he is learning that now is wonderful.  It is a study skill he will take throughout his life (hopefully).

Bella is doing fantastic.  She has been moved up to the 6th grade level in all of her subjects.  She wasn't being challenged enough so we bumped everything up.  And while it has brought about a few more tears because she is now being challenged more she is loving every minute of it.  She is my high achiever so this makes perfect sense.

The most amazing thing about it all is that they are learning all of this with me as the teacher.  Most days I feel completely inept to teach them.  You see, I did horrible in school, at least until college.  I barely graduated from high school and still to this day do not have a college education.  My children have taught me to love to learn.  Every night before I go to bed, I study and prepare for what we will do the next day, and then the children and I learn all kinds of new things together the next day.

All of this is by the grace of God.  I have never relied on God so much in all of my walk with Him.  I get frustrated with the children and myself, I have pity-parties every now and then, and some days I even feel like quiting.  But, then God reminds me of why we are here, how well the children are doing, how much I enjoy being with them, and that just like them, I am learning.  I am learning how to be a teacher.  I am not expected to just "know" how to do this.  I am not expected to be perfect.  I need to extend grace to the children and to myself while we all learn new things.

What Homeschooling Is Teaching Me

I am constantly amazed at my ability to teach my children things like math, languange arts, science, and geography.  But, what amazes me even more is what God is teaching me.

You see, I am a big picture girl.  I see the world through a very large lense, or some people would say "from 10,000 feet".  And for many things that is wonderful.  It has helped me so much in my walk with God.  My faith has always come quite simply to me because I don't get bogged down in the tiny details.  I don't spend an enormous amount of time worrying about how something is going to work out.  For instance, when Michael lost his job a couple of years ago, it wasn't hard for me to "rest" in the idea that God would provide because I didn't spend a lot of time worrying about the "how"...the details.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't like this for everything, but it is like this for most things.

I consider this a blessing, but it does have it's disadvantages too.  Because I don't see the details in most things, I have a very hard time accomplishing things that require alot of attention to how to get it accomplished.  I have told Michael many times that I hate that I have so many great ideas but don't possess the skills to turn those ideas into realities.  There are many things that I will not do because the how requires too many steps to get to the end result and I get so frustrated with the the details that I quit.  For example, sewing, scrapbooking, planting a graden, playing the piano...I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

 So, imagine my surprise in the past few weeks when God began to show me that teaching my Kindergartener to read was going to require me to follow a step-by-step, detailed road.  That I couldn't just show her words for her to memorize and expect her to be able to read.  I just see the big picture...the ability to read; not the process that it is going to take to get her there.  To be very honest, it has been a struggle for me.  Not because I don't want to work hard to get the end result, but mostly because I have never been patient enough to allow myself time to get there.

So, what am I learning?  To be patient in the process.  To find the right people and programs who can teach me the right way to teach her.  And then to be patient.  To be patient with the process, to be patient with my daughter, to be patient with myself, and to be patient with God.  Thank you, God, for being patient with me!  Boy, I thought I was a patient person...apparently not.

Storing Up Treasures in Heaven

     For a long time I struggled with my significance as a stay-at-home mom.  When I left the corporate world almost 11 years ago to stay home with my first born I had no doubt that it was what I wanted to do.  Being a wife and a mother was what I had wanted from a very young age. But, in a culture that places so much emphasis on career and money, my decision to stay home wasn't always well received during the transition from that world to this one.  People didn't understand why I would want to give up my life or the money (not that either were that glamorous in the first place).  And after coming home I felt very insignificant most days because I didn't feel I was leaving my "mark" on the world.  But Michael and I knew that it was what God wanted for our family and whatever sacrifices we had to make for me to stay home were worth it.
     Fast forward to today.  Almost 11 years and 4 children later, I have had many instances that make me so glad that I have chosen this life.  The other day the kids were talking about jobs and money, and they said to me, "Momma, you don't work."
     I replied to them, "Oh yes I do.  I work very hard, everyday, taking care of your daddy and all of you and this house."
     "But, you don't make any money, "  Bella said.  At which point the other children responded in agreement.
     So my response was, "You're right, I don't make any money.  But, I have decided to store up my treasures in Heaven.  The bible says that we should not store up our treasures here on earth where moths and rust can destroy or where thieves can break in and steal, but to store up our treasures in heaven.  So that is what Mommy is doing."
     After that there wasn't another response until yesterday morning.  I had taken two of the children to the doctor and was waiting at Wal-greens for their prescriptions to be ready.  Micah had made his way to the toy aisle where he had found his favorite thing that he plays with, Pokemon cards (and btw, if you can explain the fascination of trading cards to me I would love to hear it).  He asked me if he could by them.  After a lengthy conversation that involved questions like, "don't you have enough?" and "is that REALLY what you want to spend your money on?"  I conceded to allow him to spend his money on them.  We got the cards, the medicine, and we were on our way.
      Then it happened, one of those moments that I store in my mental Rolodex as a small win in this life of mine.  As we are driving back to the house Micah says to me, "Mom, I really need to pray about something tonight."
     I say, "what about, buddy?"
     Then he says, "well, I really need for God to help me learn how to store my treasures up in Heaven.  I mean, I really like Pokemon cards but I need to be storing up my treasures in Heaven."
     My heart swelled up so big and I felt so thankful.  I agreed with him that we would pray about that together.  Of course, then he followed up with, "Does that mean that when I die I get to take my Pokemon cards with me?"  That's my boy!  He was sort of serious and sort of joking, like he does so often.
     I just said to him, "No, buddy, the Pokemon cards will not go with you.  But, when you get to Heaven you will never look back and think, 'man I sure wish I had those Pokemon cards'.  The treasures in Heaven will be SO much better than our favorite things here on earth that we will never look back and wish we could go back and get our stuff."  At that, he was satisfied...for now.
     It was such a wonderful reminder of several things.  One, they ARE listening, even when I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.  Two, I AM making a mark on the world.  Four marks to be exact.  And three, this earth is not our home.  Christ has prepared a place for us where our treasures will be far beyond what we can even fathom while here one earth, where moths and rust can not destroy and thieves can not break in and steal.  Praise God!  Amen.

Homeschooling-First week down

     So, we had a good first week of homeschooling.  The kids were very excited about it and wanted to get started right away first thing Tuesday morning (Monday was a holiday).   Bella, especially, wanted to get started right at 8am like she did in public school.  The only difference is that her teacher in public school didn't have a 19 month old following her around all day, laundry that needs to be washed, breakfast dishes to be cleaned, or any of the other 20 things that I do on any given day.  Needless to say, she wasn't thrilled at first with the lack of "schedule" on our first day.  If I am allowed to be honest, I was pretty stressed at times, feeling that I was failing.  One time Bella said, "Mom, this doesn't feel like school at all."  Another time she said, "I don't think this is going to work."  And yet another time she said, "I am so afraid I am not going to learn anything."  All of these statements did not help my feelings that I was somehow failing my children.
     On Wednesday, it was another somewhat stressful day because Micah had a relapse of his stomach bug, so we did school very unconventionally, as we spent most of the day in the bed or on the bedroom floor while we did most of our work.
     After Wednesday, Michael and I decided that we were definitely going to use Time4learning for Math and Language Arts supplements and so on Thursday the kids were signed up for that and it helped A LOT!  They are able to log themselves on and do their work for a designated amount of time and for the most part they are pretty self-sufficient.  It is during that time that I will work one-on-one with one of the other children.
     By Friday the kids were getting used to the new schedule that we are forming.  We get up and begin to get reading around 7am.  (Aria and Victoria sleep until 7:30 since they are younger and require a little more sleep.)  Once the children are dressed, fed, and ready for the day then we sit in the living room to read our Bible lesson, discuss it, and pray.  Can I just say that this is my favorite thing so far about homeschooling the children?  We have ended their day for a long time now with reading the Bible but to begin the day with that and actually have an open-ended time to sit and talk about what we are learning is absolutely wonderful.
     After Bible, we straighten the house.  The kids help me clean the kitchen from breakfast and then they straighten their room and the living room.  Micah even washed his first load of laundry the other day, I was so proud.  This has been a big adjustment for the children because since we now have more time to get things like this done my expectations are higher for them.  It may take some time but eventually they will get it.
     Around mid-morning the kids do things that they can do pretty independently, like handwriting, reading, P.E. (they play Just Dance or they play outside) and math on the computer.  Then after lunch when the baby goes down for her nap we do Science, Geography, and Language Arts.
     A few things that I have noticed after this week is that I am SO much more tired at the end of the day and getting the laundry folded is impossible.  The children seem to be getting along MUCH better than they did when they were in school, probably because they are no longer so tired all the time.
     For the most part, I am very pleased with how things are getting started and look forward to seeing how things fall into place over the next days and weeks.

Homeschooling and Time4Learning.com

Two days from now our family will embark on a fabulous and terrifying journey into a whole new world.  The world is called "Homeschooling".  For all of reasons for homeschooling you can refer to my earlier post, that was the WHY?, this is the HOW?  I have read up on many, actually too many, curriculums for homeschooling.  There are WAY too many options out there, like deodorants and scrapbooking materials, the options are endless and daunting.  After years of research I finally settled on a curriculum, My Father's World.  I bought the curriculum and then something happened.  I began to think that maybe we needed to take a hiatus from "traditional" learning and try something a little more laid back and child directed.  A fellow homeschooling friend who has three boys turned me onto www.time4learning.com.  It is a computer based curriculum that is based on grade and/or level.  The children log into their own personal account and then follow the path through different topics.  After all the assignments on a particular lesson are completed, they are then tested on everything they have learned.  The website keeps track of all their assignments and grades which I can print out at report card time and turn into my cover school.  It will be used mainly for math assignments and also used as a supplement for Language Arts, History, and Science.  I haven't changed my mind about My Father's World, I plan to begin that in the fall when the new school year begins.  But, for now, I think this will be the easiest for all of us.  The transition from public school to homeschooling is a BIG one for everyone, so if we can do things that are fun and uncomplicated that will be best for all of us.  Also, another plus to using computer based learning is that it is VERY portable.  If we decide to go out of town, we just take the computer and some library books rather than a whole suitcase full of curriculum.  And they can move as fast or slow as they want/need to.  We are very excited about this and look forward to letting you know how the next 6 months go.

It's Official-10 Reasons Why

Well, I guess it's official.  Today I received the homeschool curriculum that I ordered and as I pulled each book out of the box there was a feeling of excitement and I must admit a feeling of fear.  I believe with all of my heart that this is what God is calling me to do at this time in our family but I must be honest and say that I am scared to death.  The battle between flesh and spirit is very evident right now.  My flesh cries out, "No more quiet days, no more alone time, no more running errands while the kids are at school."  But my spirit says, "The days are long, but the years are short."  

I have had several conversations since finally making this decision about "why" I have chosen to homeschool.  Unfortunately if I tried to write them all down, you would stop reading this blog about halfway through.  But, I thought I would try to give just a few.  Once again, not to convince anyone that what I am doing is right but to explain, and hopefully encourage anyone who might be on the fence.  You see, for too long I did not feel that I was qualified to teach my children.  I am not a teacher.  I do not have a teaching degree.  I am just a mom.  But, I have realized that makes me just as qualified, or even more so, to teach my own children.  For those of you who might be contemplating homeschool, but don't feel qualified, just remember this...noone knows and loves your children the way that you do.  And no matter what anyone tells you that makes you more qualified in my opinion.  Should everyone homeschool?  Absolutely not.  But, if you are feeling the call and don't because you are afraid, I am here to tell you, so are the rest of us.  Welcome.  Jump on in, the water is warm.

1.  My children are learning to do ONLY what they HAVE to do and nothing more.  I do not feel that they even realize their full potential of what they are capable of learning and the school is not pushing them to that.

2.  Bullying and social exposure- need I say more?

3.  Homework, in addition to the hours they already spend in school.  Not to mention that most of the time they haven't grasped the concept at school so we are spending additional time researching the method (because much has changed in 30 years) that they were taught so I can continue to teach it to them until they get it.

4.  They are not learning very important life lessons, like how to wash/fold clothes, clean up around the house, and cook because after being at school for 8 hours and then doing an hour of homework the last thing they want to do or I want to ask them to do is to do chores.  I feel they need to have some time to just be kids.

5.  They hate school but love learning.  I want my children to realize that they don't necessarily need a teacher in order to learn.  They are very capable of learning on their own and that when they make mistakes, that is good.  Mistakes are portals to discovery.

6.  I love the idea of being able to travel throughout the year and take our schooling on the road.  I also like the idea of being able participate in performances, scouts, sports, etc and not have to worry about them missing school or being too tired the next day because they didn't get enough sleep.  

7.  Being able to move at the child's pace and not the school or classrooms' pace.  Micah love science and math, but struggles with reading and writing.  Being able to spend more time on reading and writing and allow him to explore further the areas that he loves is very important to me.  

8.  I want to be able to teach my children about sensitive subjects like sex and drugs.

9.  I realized that I was already homeschooling my children with homework, and having a preying mantis as a pet, and all the other things I teach them every day.

10.  I love my kids and since I only have them for a few more years, I want to spend as much time with them before they are off on their own doing whatever it is that God will call them to do.

New Directions

It is amazing to me how true the Scripture is "The heart of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps".  I have made so many plans for my life that much to my delight did not turn out as I had planned.  I planned to marry my college sweetheart, God directed me to Michael instead.  I planned to be married by the time I was 25, God didn't bring Michael into my life until I was 28.  I planned to be done having babies at two children, God surprised us with two more.  I planned to NEVER come back to Birmingham, God changed my heart and brought me "home".  I planned to live the American Dream, God is showing me His dream.  I planned to homeschool my kids from Kindergarten on, God didn't call me to homeschool until now.  This is just a small list that proves Proverbs 16:9.  I would love to say that I am done with planning my life and my kids lives, but it is in me, in us, to "plan" for the future.  The world tells us that it is smart to do just that.  Plan for children, plan for buying a house, plan for retirement, plan for a career...plan, plan, plan.  But, I am beginning to get it.  I need to stop planning.  The fact of the matter is if I had married my college sweetheart, I probably would be divorced by now.  If I had had children as young as I wanted to I would not have been a very good mom.  If I had stopped at two children I would have missed so much joy that my 3rd and 4th children have brought into my life.  If I were living the American Dream, I would be a slave to my things rather than free to serve.  And if I had begun to homeschool my children 5 years ago, well, who knows.  I am not really sure why God waited so long to give me a peace about homeschooling but He did and I am trusting that He has a very good reason.

I must say that I am SO excited and SO scared about homeschooling all of my children.  I want so much for all of us to just love everyday of it, but I know that is an unrealistic expectation.  I know that there will be days when we don't enjoy it at all.  But, I have had confirmation after confirmation that this is the new direction that God is taking our family.  I have no idea how long it will last, but we are taking it one year at a time.  My plan is to begin blogging more about this journey, and other journeys that God has us on.  Not really so much so that other people can read our story, but more so that I can have a record of the journey.  And if it winds up helping someone, then that is an unplanned blessing.

Bring the Rain! Really?

We sing this song in church by Mercy Me called "Bring the Rain". I have wondered many times how many people sing this song and REALLY mean what the words say (including myself). Bring me ANYTHING that bring you glory. WOW, that is a BIG statement! I have been reading David Platt's book Radical, he tells the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He says, "The reason God let these guys be thrown into a fiery furnace was so that they would come out on the other side without a drop of sweat on their brows and so that this pagan king would declare that the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego is worthy of praise in all nations and languages." WOW! They went through a trial so that God's GLORY would be seen and He would receive praise.  Do we really believe that these guys didn't have some fear and trepidation about what was going to happen when they were dropped down into the furnace? I am sure, being that they were human, that they did have fear, but I also am sure that they had resolve! They had resolve in their God and His ability to save them. They knew He would either save them in the fire or He would save them through the fire. They had the hope of their salvation, knowing that even if the fire where to completely consume them, they would be seeing God face to face in a short period of time. And when they came out on the other side not only was their faith strengthened but the heart and mind of a pagan king had been changed and the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob received the glory. That is pretty awesome if you ask me. So, as I look at what Michael and I are going through there is definitely some fear and trepidation but I think to myself that if my family can come out on the other side of this and our faith as individuals and a family has been strengthened, we have been a witness to the people around us that can strengthen their faith, and God is glorified, then I say "bring the rain"! Because I know that my God can save me and if He doesn't I still have the hope of my salvation and that brings me peace.

Below I have put the words of the song by Mercy Me- Bring the Rain. You can also listen to it on the link I have provided (I would encourage you to do this). To GOD be the glory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

Bring the Rain-Mercy Me

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Little reminders

God is everywhere.  You don't have to look far to see His hand at work all around us.  He is in the beauty of our creation, a sunset, a rainbow, a smile.  He is in the skills and abilities of the people around us.  He is in the loving words and hugs of friends and family.  And sometimes He is in the stranger that helps us when we are stranded.

Yesterday morning was my first Sunday back singing at church since the baby has been born.  I was very excited.  I love to sing.  And more than that I love to worship God and encourage people to do the same.  It is one of my greatest passions.  I had gotten up early and decided to take my two oldest with me so Michael would only have two children that he would have to get ready.  I was running a little behind and couldn't find my cell phone, so I left without it, telling Michael to call me on a friends phone if he needed me.  We got in the car and headed to church.  I decided to go the back way through a neighborhood rather than taking the main road.  As I get into the neighborhood I feel the car start to sputter.  I look down and realize that the car is on empty.  I started contemplating turning around to try to get to a gas station but as I roled through the stop sign the car died.  My heart sunk because I was going to be late for our run-through.  It was at that point I realized I had left home without my cell phone.  Well, crap!  Not good!  Bella suggested that I go to the house that we were parked in front of.  As I approached the door I prayed that someone would be home, that they would not have children, that they would be awake.  I knocked on the door and around the corner comes this little elderly woman in her nightgown.  I mouth to her, "I am so sorry".  She comes to the door and I explain to her what happened and ask if I can use her phone.  As I walk into her house, it dawns on me that  I don't know my husbands new cell phone number.  Well crap!  Now what!  So I decide to try my cell phone thinking he will hear it.  Nope!  So, she suggests that her husband can take me to the gas station to get some gas in the gas can.  Another "oh crap" moment.  I had dinner at a friends house the night before and left my purse so I have no money.  As this point I start thinking that this woman is going to think I am crazy or that I am going to rob her or something.  I sit down on her couch to brainstorm while she gets her husband.  He comes in and suggests that he might have some gas in his gas can.  Low and behold a few minutes later I see him walking to the car with a gas can.  During those few minutes with this woman I learned that they go to a nearby church and that she has played the piano for them for 30 years.  She was so proud to show me her plaque that she had recieved in honor of her service at the church.  I asked her for prayer for my husband's job and our family.  She hugged me and I was on my way to church.  I got back in the car and my oldest said, "Momma, God showed up!"  I know, baby, He sure did!  

The story in the bible that jumped out at me later that morning was the story of Moses as he is leading the people through the wilderness.  He provided manna for them and told them to only gather enough for the day, any more than that would rot by the next day.  Funny thing is they even tested God in that tried to store up but it didn't work.  That morning God provided manna for me and the kids.  He didn't fill up my tank, He gave me just what I NEEDED to get me to church.  Thank you, God, for reminding me that you are there and that my family and I will be taken care of.  Amen!